This one’s for the girls: Investing in guys who lose interest

His one sentence validated everything that I needed to know.

That I have wasted the last two months with someone who led me on.

That I am interested in a guy who doesn’t want to and doesn’t care to pursue me.

“I’m not going to compete with other guys for you,” he said during our this-is-the-last-straw phone conversation.

No — I’m not seeing a bunch of guys all at once. But I told him I started seeing other people over the last two weeks because his lack of care and communication seemed like he’s just not that interested. He’s not taking it seriously that I’m ready to be exclusive — with him.

I take a deep breath.

I’m too old for this.

 

convo 1This is the fourth time I’ve gotten upset about this, the fourth time in two months that I’ve said something.

And the last.

Each time I say we should part ways — and each time he continues to slip back, tries to keep seeing me. It’s worked.

But not this time.

I’m done.

Done waiting days for that next text, that next phone call.

Done wondering if we’re ever going to work out.

Done waiting on him to plan a big date.

Done wondering where his head is about us.

I start to think something’s wrong with me. What am I doing wrong? What can I do better?

Nothing.

But I can understand I can’t make someone fall for me.

I can accept that if it’s not meant to be then I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate me, fight for me, doesn’t reassure me that I’m who he wants to be with.

It happens to the best of us

One of the worst situations like this I’ve experienced was with a guy who was already out of college and I was a sophomore at Winthrop University.

We would eye each other at this one bar each time we were there. And I remember the night we finally swapped numbers. We started texting not long after and everything seemed like it was falling into place.

And I fell for him — hard. I really thought he was the one.

He cooked supper for me one night, we slow danced in his living room. It felt like love from the movies.

I remember running back that night to my dorm room where my roommates were waiting to hear. I was all giddy and anxious to tell them how it went.

All the signs were there. I even eventually met his parents.

But then he stopped reaching out as much. Our regular communication led to a once-a-week text conversation.

And then it was over after I gave him several chances to try to make things work.

I cried more tears over him than I wish to share over several months. And it took more than a year to get over him.

I figured — and had heard — he just wasn’t the relationship-type guy.

Then not long after, he started seeing someone else.

This has been a continuous and hurtful pattern since I started dating.

And I’m not the only one.

How it works

If you don’t understand, here’s how it happens:

I’m talking about the time period right after a woman meets a guy she’s established she likes and the time where things could start to be official. He likes her, too.

convo 5

It always starts out with a guy being very interested — texting and talking on the phone constantly, wondering what she’s doing and how her day is going.

convo 4

But day by day, things start to fade. He either ghosts her or the conversation just fizzles out.

My best friend recently — and finally — really put herself out there to date a guy.

He drove more than three hours to take her on a date. They texted all week leading up to the night out together. They had a great time and really connected. And they had multiple dates.

But two weeks later, he’s barely communicating with her.

convo 6

That same friend got burned by another guy two years ago.

She thought he was the one — so obviously she had extremely strong feelings for him. They hung out and he seemed interested, too.

She tried pursuing him, but he’d always say he was busy.

Then she found out he had a girlfriend.

A college roommate of mine wasn’t official with a guy, but they went to functions together each weekend for a while.

But when summertime rolled around, he straight up stopped talking with her with no explanation.

Another roommate met a guy while she was on vacation. He lived in Charlotte, a few hours away from her hometown. She was sure they’d be together once she moves closer to start college in Rock Hill, less than an hour drive from Charlotte. Then he ghosted her.

No — not all men are like this. And yes — women can be guilty of ghosting or losing interest or ending things without an explanation. Man or woman, those things aren’t OK.

I’ve just heard a lot more women getting upset about it than men.

Though each situation has it’s differences, the same formula is used.

Ghost mode

Men — boy oh boy do we notice.

And we over analyze every move you make. Every text. Every question you avoid or don’t reply to. Every post you put on social media. We read the comments, too. Oh, and check the likes.

But I’ve got a few words for y’all. Not only am I tired of it, but I’m tired of seeing my beautiful-on-the-inside friends getting hurt.

Stop ghosting us.

Stop leading us on.

Stop causing us to believe we aren’t good enough.

And for crap’s sake, stop forgetting how hardworking and awesome we women are.

Start being honest about your intentions with us from the beginning.

Start listening and understanding where we come from when we ask, “Where is this going?” or “What are we doing here?”

Start understanding we can take rejection, and start telling us you’re not interested before it’s too late, which causes the most hurt.

We just want honesty.

And ladies, never forget you deserve the world — not some jerk who can’t take the time to tell you he appreciates and respects you, a jerk who can’t take you out, or encourage you, or listens to you vent on a tough day.

Most importantly, be grateful when those guys walk out of your life instead of getting hung up on them.

Why? Because each heartache teaches us a lesson, and I guarantee you the right one is going to sweep you up one day.

convo 2

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